March 15, 2007

 Hey there lovelies,

Im out the hospital got out this morning they dressed my wounds with a wet wrap kinda thing, Had to speak to psych nurse on call as she was concerned about my 'frame of mind' and was worried i had 'suicidle ideation'. Im not suicidle just fed up. I dont know whether im coming or going half the time. Everyday is the same old crap, same old thoughts, same old feelings. I wish i could change my thinking. I wish i could fix things and make me a 'normal life'. I am looking into agencies that will give me funding for treatment, i wish i could come to the states and get treatment there.......

Gil xox

love u all so much thank u

March 18, 2007

Hi

Firstly sorry. I was completely wasted last night. I threw up like a dozen times. I still feel like shit, probably dehydrated, so gona try syrining some water down my tube. Alcohol is evil i have not drank for 5years. Yesterday i didnt know what else to do, besides hurt myslelf i figured the vodka would take away the pain. I fell asleep at 6am and i have just woke up 4pm. I had such a bad day yesterday, I gained a pound 66lbs i got down to 64lbs. I got told i am going to live in a residential home, beacause no one can take care of me. Its my own flat but i have nurse 24/7 again. And someone will be supervising my meds and watching to make sure i take my feed. I am going next tues or wed. I feel so alone, i just wanna be normal is that too much too ask, i must hav done something seriously bad in a past life to end up like this.

Thanks butterflys for yourr concern, im sorry i feel like such a loser.

Gil xox

March 18,2007

Seen as half my pics are on there for thinspo i thought i would make a pic video of my own. To show what its really like to have an ED.

The quality isnt that gr8 but let me know what you think?

Love Gil xox

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrCwhGvHkkw

May 15, 2007

Hi guys,

Just thought i'd update you on whats been happening since i last posted.. I took a massive OD four weeks ago just days after posting i was going IP. Basiclly because there were no beds anywhere and i couldnt cope any longer and i just wanted it to be over. I vey nearly succedded. I took over 200 tablets nitrasepam, seroquel, solpadol you name it i took it. So i was in hospital for two weeks then got back to resedential unit. I am struggling big time with my feed. I developed severe back pain two weeks ago this fri, i though i had just pulled a muscle from using my wheelchair but the pain lasted for days so on the fri the psych ward called an ambulance. It turns out my kidney is failing, i had catheter inserted and passed 45mls of urine in 24 hours. My ECG is totally off the scale i'm bradycardic one minute and tachycardic the next. My potassium is down at 2.1 so i had been getting IV potassium in 2hourly bags which hurt like a bitch. Things are slighty inproved but the doctor said my body is shutting down again. Put it this way at the wieght im at just now i was in psych ward getting force fed and held down.

My other news is i have been contated by the programme i did on scottish television tonight with trevor mcdonald. They have found a treatment centre willing to take me on and the tonight with trevor mcdoniald programme are funding it. They also want to do documentry and follow me thru treatment. The centre is in buckinhamshire in london which is 6hours drive from Glasgow, so im gona be quite far from home but this is last chance saloon, before my body packs up completely.

http://www.eatingdisorderscentre.co.uk/

It may be within the next few weeks or the middle of june, the only requirements are my bloods and physical health are strong enough to survive the trip.

Fingers crossed, i really need this or i am gona die. no two ways about it.

hope all is well with everyone sorry for not replying to personal messages i'm just so tired i cant really keep up with all the postings etc, doesn't mean you are all not far from my thoughts.

P.s JenJen i got your message on my answer phone and i cried fo hours and listened to it about 20 times! I love you all so much.

love always gil xox

June 6, 2007

Good morning guys,

thanks so much for all your support it gives me butterflies in my tummy when i think of how much you all mean to me.

Im still hanging in there, waiting on all the paper work to be done for the treatment centre. My psych isnt thrilled about it she keeps picking on all the negatives she is a total cow. She says things like...'what makes you think this place will work you'e treid x y z' 'maybe you just have to realise you will never be well' or 'you dont engage with us so why the change' Arrrggghhh the woman makes me wanna jump out my bed and do some major ass kicking. How can she expect anyone to 'live' with anorexia bieng stuck in IP forever. She knows how ill i have been but it's like she has given up and has a hump because someone out there is willing to help me and so the job she is supposed to be fucking doing. Ok i'm glad i ranted that out lol

My physical health is a bit pants, my kidney and LFT's are still abnormal. My potassium is up to 2.3 thats taking 24mls of pure pottasium 3x a day.

Im just holding out for the IP unit. If it all goes ahead. I dont know what if it doesn't, but im trying to keep positive.

Im shit scared guys, im scared i fuck this up the way i have done a million times before. I dont want to dissapoint my sis. She is so hopeful and has even said she will take a month off work when i first go down to be with me. I love her so much i don't know what i'd do without her.

I hopefully should be online bit more as im back at resedential facility so i have net access most of the day. *jumps up and down excitedly*

love you all as always.
gil xox

June 25th, 2007

Okay here goes for another update on my ever so fucked up life. I just got out medical on Monday. I had been in since early hours of Thurs15th june. I woke up during the night unable to catch a breath at all, i honestly felt as though i had a fuckin hefalump on my chest. I buzzed the nurse at the resdential unit, who then pressed the panic button on my wall (the one they use when they call for help, usually when they have to restrain someone). Four nurses belted into my room, at this point i just remember Annalisa the nurse's voice. Then nothing.

Woke up on the Sun 17th in Intensive Care with Breathing tube in my mouth. Couldnt move my body at all. I had no idea what had happened. They took me off the ventilator later in the day. The Dr said i had severe pneumonia which kicked off my asthma. Because my body is so weak my respiratory muscles couldnt function as they should. I was intubated(tubed) in the ambulance. I dont remember much which is a good thing. The Dr said if the Pneumonia hadnt lifted by the sunday when they tried me off the ventilator they were gona put in a tracheostomy(a hole in my neck for breathing tube) because there was so much infection. I can only thank the god they didnt, i would have been distraught. Still makes me shiver.

Anyway i picked up a bit by the mon and went to respiratory ward, thought i was doing well until i got a very unexpected bout of the skits!!! I mean like i had swallowed 500laxitives or 50 enemas! God i will never complain of constipation again. They sent a sample off to the lab *pukes disgusting i know*

Comes back the next day and i have caught a hospital infection call CDIFF was sent into isolation for four long days, everyone who came in had to wear red aprons, gloves and things covering there shoes! I felt like a right wally! Only good thing being i could not have any feed or anything to stop the runs. They just put up IV fluids and a bag of water going thru my NG. It felt sooooooo good not to have feed in my stomach. I know its my ED talking, blah, blah, blah according to my psychologist but i miss the feeling of being empty, i miss the rush of losing weight everyday.

i came back to the resedential unit on Mon morning. Got weighed today. And no surprises i have lost 4lbs. Staff have been trying to get me to put my feed on at the right rate(which is 100mls per hour) but i cant do it, i dont want to have it inside me. I have the water running so i wont get dehydrated but i really cannot put my feed up. I have till Fridays Dr's round then if i havent put it up they will start bolus feeding again (which is just standing above me and pouring feed down my tube) which i hate more than anything. Also if i lose any more weight even .0.5 of a pound then bye bye laptop!

Im so confused and torn. Everything was going ok till i got the bug. I also havent heard anything from the treatment centre since my last post apart from the fact that they are filing all the paper work etc.

I really dont think i can go, they will hate me like every other treatment centre because i cant do what they ask. I just want to be erased, recyclyed.....never have been. This is getting too much. I want to go home, i want out of this place. I want out of my head......please can you stop the world , i want to get off please???

gil xox

June 29th, 2007

I have just been in a hour and a half meeting with my Dr's and team. Talk about draining. I got weighed this morning and I'm down 1.5lbs. Which is not good i know. But i kinda expected it seen as i still havent managed to put my feed up. Instead of feeling bad becuase i had lost, i had that elated feeling. I havent felt like this for a while cos i had been really focused on gaining up to 70lbs to be physically fit enough to go to the treatment centre. I was almost there. My weight was 68lbs before i got the Infection. Now i have lost 5.5lbs in just over two weeks.
My treatment team here had warned me that if i had lost any more weight by today then my laptop would be confiscated and bolus feeding would be started. I really thought they were just trying to call my bluff ya know? To try get me to put up my feed.

Outcome of meeting:
Fluids have to be increased to 2hourly bags instead of 4hourly, as I'm not passing enough urine (i have catheter in and have passed 220mls in 48hours) there is excess amounts of protein, ketones and blood in my urine.
My bloods are back and they were not impressed. my LFT (liver function test) is elevated with my vitamin K apparently in my boots. So i need to get IV vitamin K. My potassioum is 2.3 which isn't too bad for me, still having 4hourly bags of potassium. Bolus feeding(which is basically the nurse standing above me and syringing feed down my tube) will start today at 8pm (its 4pm now) 200ml 5x a day. If i fight them, i will be restrained and sedated with IM chlorpromazine.
I dont want this to happen but I'm so afraid to take my feed. Deal is if i let them do it i keep my laptop, if i refuse, then my laptop goes. I HATE THIS PUNISHMENT/REWARD THING! When are they going to realise its not fair. They cant punish me for having an illness

Right now my heads all over the place. Its so fucked up how even when you lose the slightest bit off weight anorexia takes over, even when you thought you were winning. I cant afford to get sucked down anymore or i'll completely blow any chance of treatment. But at the same time my LW is ringing through my head. I want to be there again so bad.
Its a no win situation, if i let them feed me I gain and feel like shit, if i lose anymore my physical health will get worse and I'll feel like shit anyway.
I really dont know WTF is going on in my head at the moment. I am counting the hours dreading the feed. Trying to tell myself just to accept it. Just have to wait and see how it goes, i really don wanna have my laptop taken....its my only escape.

luv gil xox

July 8th, 2007

Hi guys thanks so much for all your words of support. I struggled big time with the bolus feeding and ended up in a big bust up with the nursing staff. The last week has just been horrendous, i've been held down, sedated and had everything in my room apart from my bed taken away. I know its probably my fault as i should have just let them give me the feed but my anorexia has been growing so strong and she was the one who was trying to pull tubes out, she was the one biting staff. Most of the week i have been sedated in bed with 2 nurses by my side no furniture in my room and no laptop.

I stopped fighting them come thursday, i'd just had enough i was tired and i was in a no win situation. I don think i've stopped crying all this week. I was weighed on friday but staff hid my weight they have NEVER done this before and it has made me so paranoid. I know i've gained 200mls of 2kcal feed 5x a day is a whole lot of fucking calories!

I still have IV fluids, potassium and glucose running, and two bags of vitamin K a day. Hello oedema! my ankles, wrists, face everything has water retenion.

Im still getting bolus feeding, and have no furniture in my room apart from my bed. My laptop is still confiscated but anna my nurse gave me it today for a few hours but thats only because she is the most loveliest person you'll ever meet. She has to take it away before the late shift come on at 4pm, but its only 1pm so i have a little while.

I see consultant again tomo, and i'll find out about my bloods etc and when i'l get my laptop back for good. Anna said she thinks it'l be thurs if i can show them Mon, tues, wed that i can comply with the bolus feeding then i can have my furniture back, get off supervision and then my laptop back!!!!

I want to show my consultant why i need the internet so much, i want to show him all the support I have on here, i think he thinks i go on Pro ana sites drouling over skinny celebs and getting tips on how to lose weight.

Well thats my update for now, i miss everyone. I nearly pee'd my pants when i got my laptop this afternoon lol. Was very over excited! he he he.

stay strong everyone, i love you all dearly.