June 30, 2006

its been a long time, but after a very long gruelling court hearing i am at home until i gain to 68lbs for treatment at the priory. ( this is when i am considered cappable of treatment). The court case has been over the past two weeeks and was the most stressful thing ever, will fill in later.
Yvonne had been coming on to update but found it upsetting so she just came on to check every now and again.
I have a nurse 24/7 and i am on constant NG feeding and on bedrest but at least i am home with yvonne and my gorgeous little neice.
I am so tired as its 2am and i got out hosp at 4pm all i have done is walk to the bathrooon under close observation which is pissing me off. My energy is pretty much zilch, my weigh is pretty much pisssing me off i am 60lbs yet its still not enough, i am still not happpy?

Who told us being thin makes you happy.....do i need to go any lower to find i t? Because my butterflys, its not here.......infact all thats here is a sad and lonely person cosumed by her thoughts living in an empty shell. Combined with health problems i never imagined would come from 'oh i just want to lose a few pounds' 11 years ago!

i will come back in a few days time and fill you in on whats been happening. right now i am tired and looking forward to my bed.

Sweetdreams my flutterbys

Gil xox :-*

July 18, 2006

Hi guys, sorry for my lack of posting i have been on a few times and wanted to post but i just been feeling really drained since i got home. Its hard work being at home, although i am so loving being around my sister and my neice. They make each day worth waking up for. I am trying to gain weight im taking all of my feed and no diet pills, but its not happening my psych isnt too impressed but hey i cant please everyone!
I love all my butterflys i will try post a bit more often i promise. its just a bit of an effort sometimes, i need some motivation or a good kick in the ass too get me moving. lol

love always
Gil xox

July 27, 2006

Yea so i got asked by Scottish TV to do a interview for selfharm the other day so i did it today.........i feel so shit now, i look huge on the camera cos yea they say it adds ten pounds but i had to wear two vest tops under neath my jumper cos you could see my external pace maker. I look so massive. she also had me walking a bit in the park and im totally knackered now.
It didnt have much to do with my ED more self harm and lack of UK resources.

Im not feeling to clever bout it, now im stressing bout pepole seeing it....my psych, my family, my collegues where i used to work...MY DAD AND HIS FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ironic thing is i came home and cut my arms to shreds! Im now having to put butterfly stitches on them. I cant go to hosp cos theyl admit me...my nurse mhari is really nice and has said if they dont stop bleeding she'l take me down to hosp get them checked. Heres me sitting on TV telling the world 'oh there are better coping mechanisms, and i want to get well and i do that WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway just to let you all know im going to stay with a friend till next sat i need a break and so does my gran and sister, I wont have net access til then....so don worry please.

will post when i come home

much love to all
a very mentally , physically, drained
Gil


oh it will be airing on STV Lunchtime and 6oclock news next week or the following, i will try let peeps know.

January 22, 2007

Well my lovely butterfly's, it has been a long time. i am so sorry myself or my sister have not updated in such a long time.
I have been in treatment again, since around early october. Staff found out about my access to the site and banned me from the computor. Treatment was the same old as usual, forced to gain weight, held down and restrained at every bolus feed that went down my tube. Stuck in a psych ward full of junkies and alcoholics. Anyway i gained from 58lbs up to 75lbs where i am at just now. I feel huge and i hate myself so much, i cant live at this weight. I want to slice away all the fat.

My family agreed with Dr's that i should come home as i have been 'stuck' and not gaining or progressing for the past month. I am still on NG feeding i haven't ate in two and a half years now. My Gastrostomy(PEG) is being fitted as soon as i am strong enough as i want this damn thing out my nose! I am sick of looking at it, i rip it out all the time which just involves a row over passing it again or going to the hospital.
Im taking around 1000kcal a day i am meant to be on 3000kcal but its way too much. I plan over the next few weeks to gain everyones trust at home again then lose some of this weight. Don't worry butterflys i promise if i get bk down to 65-70lbs i will stop.

i want to thank you all for your support i thought everyone would have forgot about me, i have so many wonderful freinds here old ones and new ones i have yet to chat too.

I dont have internet acces at the moment and doing it via mobile. My internet will be set up asap.

One last thing I have been asked to do a programme called Tonight with Trevor McDonald (UK ppl will know it) They want to talk to me about pro ana why i think its a circle of support rather than a competition on who can kill themselves first. The producer read 'the red bracelet' page on me and was also on here. She seems very nice and was very surprised by the support i had recieved. She want to tell the good side not the bad. She also wants to spend a day in the life of me.
Butterflys i need your help. Help me show pro ana isnt all bad if you post your views i will share them not disclosing any names etc.
I need to justify the use of these sites they are always being slated let us prove to them we are a support system too. My sister will also be chatting. It is being filmed on wed and thurs of this week so i don't have much time.

Butterflys help me, please, i dont want to be slated but at the same time i want to prove to these people that we do CARE AND LOVE one and other.

love you guys always

Gil xox

March 6, 2007

Hey Guys,
thanks for all the messages, i am glad those who saw the show approved. When i watched it i did nothing but critisize myself. In the doc im around 72lbs but look like 172! It did make me feel fat my face looked huge. I have now lost weight back down to 66lbs, i cant stay in the 70's its too hard. Its just one continuous cycle, up and down in and out. But hey, im at home for now and have my net back *does happy dance*

love all my butterflys
gil xox

March 14, 2007

Hey guys

i'm struggling real bad just now, just got out the hosp yest i had viral infection in my gut caused by the epsom salts abuse, and air trapped in my lung travelling round my heart. Had to get a chest drain in to drain out the excess air. I left the hospital last night couldnt bare to stay any longer so signed myself out against medical advice. I feel okay physically apart from really tired and breathless.
Im struggling big style today though, i SI bad and dont know whether i need to get it seen too, i am reluctant to do this but i took pic of my arm just want advice.......do you think i need to get it seen too?
I burnt it with cigarette didnt feel it at the time now i've realised what a mess i've made.... :'(