March 21, 2006
its me gil, 
i have access to the internet as i am on a normal medical ward now. Got transferred today. OMG i hae missed you all so much! i really dont know where to start, this is the first time i have been on here since december. Yvonne printed me off all the messages, i cant tell you how that made me feel...no words can describe it. it helped me through all the bad days kowing you were all rooting for me.
the past few months have been a blur. i dont remember much until february. I only opened my christmas and birthday presents at the end of feb. This time i know how close i was to death, i had prepared myself for it, then at that point it would have been a blessing in desguise. I have always said its not that i wanted to die i was tired of living. Anorexia my only friend and my worst enemy. Now after somehow surviving i realise for myself and my litlle sister, my angel and her baby i have a second chance. I know i will never be 'better' i have done so much damage to my body, most of it irrevesable. My kidney is barely functioning i am still on dialysis, my heart is fucked....to the point i have a pace maker regulating it and i have a portacath into my main artery in my heart to give drugs. I stilll have no feeling on the right side of my body from the strokes,and im continuing to have seizures every few days. Most of these i can manage to deal with, i have no other choice...i inflicted this upon myself so i must accept the consequences.
I guess i want others to know what can happen, i know for most of us it isnt just about 'being thin' everyone has there own demons. I just wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. I know most people think ana is safe when you are in control but the thing is we are never in control, she is always 10 steps ahead.....her ultimate goal to take over your body and mind then death awaits you.
For me i know this has shortened my life, i have been told i may not see my 30th birthday. Im 23 now, the damage for me is done. I cannot go back and fix it. I can though try to maintain some degree of health. I have agreed to try to get to the 75lbs mark and maintain (im 70lbs just now). I am still on tube feeding by court order. And when im medically fit be transferred downstairs to the EDU. It has been agreed in my care plan if i maintain 75-80lbs for three months i can go home with the support of community nursing 24/7.
Im not saying im happy about it, i feel fatter than ever and hate every inch of me. I still cry the whole way through my feed. I still have ana shouting at me to get my fat ass back down to 55lbs, but then i have this other side that wants to see my little sisters baby, my neice or nephew. Be strong enough to hold it, play with it, laugh with it.
I dont want people to think im being all anti pro ana because im not, i just hope i can still come here, for support even though i have to gain.
I love you all so much you are my extended family, my flutterbys i think about everyday.
I wish i could meet each of you and give you all the greatest hug.
for now though a virtual one will have to do 
Lots of pink fluffy cuddly hugs
Gil (ballerina) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
April 3, 2006
okay so my consultant was round today and told me that once my physical health improves and i am off all infusions and oxygen i will be transeferred to a new EDU an hour from home. The priory are not willing to take me back as they believe after being in 4+ times the programme cannot help. Which is fine by me cos i had to have 4000 calories over 24hours and was stuck on permanet bedrest! it was hell.
The new programme is in
http://www.huntercombehospitals.com/specialist/articles.asp?section=special&specialID=4&subtypeId=12
It is suposed to be less intense than the priory but the thing is i have to be willing to eat as well as tube feeding or they wont fund it. It has been around two years since i last put anything in my mouth, i dont even know if i could pick up a fork anymore. I am so scared. The only other option is the psych ward which is like a assylum from one flew over he cookoo's nest.
Right now i dont want to go, i dont want to gain anymore weight i feel so repulsive i want to cut away all this disgusting fat. I just wan to go home, my own bed my own rules.
Also on Thurs its the anniversary of my mums death, usuallly i would take arounf 20-30 nitrazepam and sleep through it, this year i cant do that.....i just want her to cuddle me, hold me tight and tell me everything will be okay. I miss her terribly.
Sorry my mood is really low today, i want to SI so bad. I dont know what else to do. I see Morgan and think i have to try this for her, but i feel like im lying to myself.
I wish my mum could see her grandaughter.
love always
gil xox
April 19th
I got told today that i cant have funding for treatment, I have used all my funding and the NHS here cannot give me anymore. I dont really know what im gona do. Im slipping fast, maybe i dont deserve help....i have screwed up so many times.....maybe this is my punishment.
Im not sure how much longer i can fight this on my own. My aunt has agreed with the doctors that when my vitals improve i will go home to her house to stay. I am still detained under the mental health act but now i feel like everyone has given up. I cant do this alone, i know what i will do once i am home....i wont take my Ng feed, i cant do it at home, i just feel to guilty.
i really dont know what to do, i am so tired of this. Im losing my fight, this isnt a life. Yet i cannot escape it.
will it ever get easier, or am i gona die from this. Im so scared, but yet i still i think of death as a freedom.
Im sorry i havent posted much but i just feel like i have nothing worthwhile to say, and i am no use to anyone.
i love you all
gil xox
April 23
Thank you everyone, i am sorry my post seemed so negative i was having really bad day. I will not give up i will try my hardest to stay positive and fight this every minute of the day. For my sister, my neice, my butterflies but most of all for me.
I have a case conference at the tribunal panel today at 3pm, too see what is happening. I think though home is my only option at the moment, i will not go into a general psych ward, my aunt wont let me, its too terrifying and over here full of junkies and some really scary people. Ha im probably scary to them but you know what i mean its not the place to go for treatment. My aunt is gona take on the role of my main carer with the help of the community mental health team. Im 68lbs just now if i drop below 65lbs i have no say on going to a psych ward. I havent been home since early december so maybe being out of hospital will give me some determination and strength to keep well enough to stay out.
someone mentioned Helen, I know helen she is one of my good friends we have been in treatment together several times, she is currently doing really well. She is up to 7st and has just done article in 'closer magazine'. She has been really helpful to me, gives me a lot of hope.
anyway butterflies, i love you all, i promise i am not going to give up and will continue to fight as long as im here on this earth.
love always
Gil xox
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