If any of you are members of the Cerulean Butterfly Message Board in the last couple months of '05 then you'll know who ballerina is. None of us have ever met her in person but we have gotten to know her so well and have come to care deeply for her. When she came to CB she was in the hospital for her ED. She could not leave because she was ordered there the court in the UK. Before all of this happend she was a rythmic gymnast and did things most of us could only imagine. This page will contain the last few notes that Gil left and the updates her sister has posted for us. *will add updates as her sister posts them*

Ballerina

Height: 5ft3

HW: 110 lbs

CW: 65 lbs *this was back in Dec*

LW: 45 lbs

GW: 55 lbs

Nov 12, 2005

Anyway quick update, I have been pretty poorly since i was last here. I had another heart attack my heart stopped three times. Mainly because of ephedrine OD they evil! I had to have a internal pace maker fitted because of bradycardia(my heart beat was only 45beats a minute) then it would jump to the high 100's. I was in ITU on ventilator so they had me sedated and fed me up to 60lbs. Im so depressed i hate it. desperatly trying to get back to 55lbs thats my safe weight. anyway im back at priory now, as of today. Have my laptop but its reviewed on a daily basis so if im naughty lol it gets confiscated.

Nov 19, 2005

Firstly my sincere apologies to everyone. It was totally inappropriate to post what I did here. I just felt so alone and felt I had to say goodbye because no matter what has happened to me these past few months, you guys have been here.

On Wed when I took the Nitrazepam I posted here after leaving the priory at around 1pm, took 150ml of it via my NG tube. The pharmacy phoned me at 5.30pm to say I had a perscription awaiting collection so Yvonne (my sis)went to collect it. It was another 3 150ml bottles and a 105ml bottle of Nitrazepam. I just felt so dreadful and empty, and reading Amazingtwigs blog was the last straw. I took in total 705ml of the stuff and a few handfuls of Diazepam. I put a admin password on my laptop so no one could read my stuff. I left my house at 7pm (in my Pyjamas on a below freezing night in Scotland) and hid in a old factory wasteground.

I think i fell asleep(or unconscious) because i woke up around midnight hearing police sirens. I couldnt stand or breathe properly. Then must have went back to sleep. the police were called and came to my house, searched every inch of my room! Found my suicide note. They had police vans, helicopters and sniffer dogs out looking for me. They warned my gran they were expecting to find a dead body.I had my Mp3 player on playing the carpenters 'end of the world' it is just so relevant. They found me at 2am unconscious and bearly breathing. I was hypothermic and dehydrated. Next thing I remember was waking up yesterday evening in ICU. After having my stomach pumped and being put on glucose and saline drips. I had apparently taken enough sedation to kill a 250lb man never mind me. I have never been so serious about ending my life before. I was furious to wake up. Wednesday was the anniversary of my mums death I just wanted to be with her. I guess she had other ideas.

Im at home the now I left the medical ward and psych ward have no beds, priory wont take me as im considered a severe suicide risk and they wont take me at the moment. I have a district nurse with me day and night just now. Have case conference at Priory on Wed at 11am to see if im allowed back. Id rather not but its a million times better than a locked ward. Its nice to be at home, have been in bed since i came in. I have no access to any meds. I cant stop crying. I just want my mum, she would know what to do to help me. I miss her.
My psychologist came today I really wanted to chat about what had happened but she turned up with a student without asking me. So didnt get a chance to talk at all.

I love you all so much, my extended family, to know people I have never even met care about me.....well it makes me......humbled.

Each and everyone of you will remain in my heart forever, you are all so special to me. I hope one day I will find inner peace as do i hope the same for all of you. You are all so amazing, caring and special people to me. Im crying again.....I just wish i could sit with you all and cuddle up and make it all go away.

Nov 19, 2005

So cos im at home just now, till wednesday at least I have my credit card YAY YAY YAY! I have bought more pure ephedrine HCL tabs, just wondering, i read somewhere?? that mixing them with thyroid or thyroxine tabs is good for extra weightloss?

Am i getting confused, lck of brain cells maybe lol never heard of it before?

Also I take quite a lot of lax, cut down to 100 a day but have been syringing lactulose around 200ml a day down my NG tube. Do you think it will make me less bloated.....i know lax don make you lose...but hey im addicted.

Nov 30, 2005

No matter how much I try stay positive something else just comes up and slaps me back down.
todays events sorry its long its mainly to get it out of my head and use as distraction.

*My psych app was today, He was pissed at me for losing weight since fri, lost 2half pounds, dont know where fom. Swear I been taking feed etc .....stress?

*Priory(My treatment center) are going to contact him this week about whether or not i wil return in a few weeks or if at all. (they sent me to a locked ward said they coudnt treat me when im so suicidle) Said he didnt know what to do with me anymore, said he had tried his best to help me. But wasnt prepared to have my death on his back. Honestly this guy is the worlds worst psych, all previous admissions go like this..... sees me 'in crisis' then feeds me up doesnt do any psychological stuff sends me out with app for clinic? The NHS psychiatric training is a joke it gets me so mad.....always using short term measures, as long as your not medically at the point where you could die they dont want to know.

*He thinks just now i should be in the locked ward. becuase i need 'looking after' and being at home im putting emmense presssure on the community nurses who are with me 24/7!

*Also demanded i went on a mood stabilser, I kept my cool.....didnt get pissed just asked him what he was recommending. He handed me a prescription for depakotte( i have knew tonnes of people on this and they have gained lots) i hate drugs! He told me that because im on a Compulsory Treatment Order I have no choice but to take them or they will be done in a weekly Injection(depot) shot! So he knows Im taking them. i said i wasnt saying no but would likke to have a look at different types with him and chat about it.(resonable I thought) told me 'its not up for negotiation anymore, we're past that stage' The guy drives me batty! I wanna thump him everytime I see him!

*My Gp phoned this afternoon my heamoglobin still really very low, thinks i might be bleeeding from somewhere, wants me to consider going into medical ward to have some blood, but it freaks me out. having someone elses blood dont know why.

******LASTLY THE OMG OF LASTLY****** My dads mum, my so-called gran sent my friend a text today!

For those who arent aware of the background.....basically my dad did things he shouldn't to me from age 4 till 12. I took him to court when i was 15 but case was dropeed a year later. I have a injunction against my dad so he cant come near me. I havent heard anything since i was around 18 i think....he tried to write to me.

Anyway when I took the OD i got taken Intensive Care but my usual ICU was full so I had to go to one 30 minutes from me. While I was there (unknown to me cos i was unconscious) my dads 'new wife' my 'stepmom' (he married six months after my mum died me and my little sister had to be bridesmaids) was the radiographer! She xrayed me while i was on the ventilator. Clicked who i was and proceeded to tell my dad! When I came round I realised what had happened and asked to be transferred to my local thought that would have been the end of it...........

NO HOW WRONG WAS I!!!!!! My friend Leigh phoned today saying she had been getting text messages on her phone all day for me and people phoning and hanging up. Text as follows : Hello gillian, i heard that you have been very unwell in hospital again. Please contact me I love and miss you and Yvonne so much. I worry about you please. gran Eva. please contact me at .......left a mobile and house number.
I havent so much as had a letter since i was 16 not a birthday card.....nothing......so why now!

I couldnt work out how she got Leighs number but its down to that cow radiographer she took Leigh who is my next of Kin on my notes number from my medical records....i cant prove it though...but its the only way anyone could have connected the number and me.

So now as you probably gather from this post i am a wreck, i fear my dad so much and this has brought so much stuff up again. My nightmares and flashbacks are horrendeous just now. I keep hearing doors opening people in my house. I DO NOT NEED THIS RIGHT NOW!! Im a nervous wreck.....

sorry for all this rambling but i had to try work it out. Im so confused. Im cutting again, its the only thing thats de-stressing me.

Nov 30, 2005

I am now convinced that nothing or no one can help me. I feel there is "no cure" for someone as broken/damaged as I am. Try as I might I cannot stop this cycle.

My guilt is intolerable...I do my best to appear in control and well, I have become a good actress, i cannot hide it anymore. On the outside I need to appear to have control but on the inside I have nothing. I am in turmoil, without direction. I am completely shattered and I’m so so afraid.

Emotions control me. The life i cannot control, controls my intake.

I think about dying, I would have to die in a way people wont be disappointed in me. Death without suicide is more accepted. I pray at night not to wake in the morning. I’m not giving up....Its not that I want to die its just I cannot go on living like this. Existing a failure in my own mind,

I really hate myself for getting caught up in this disease. I have caused so much hurt and pain. Generally its easiest to be on my own because then i cannot hurt anyone.

My thoughts run in circles, do somersaults. At the end of the day I am tired from talking so much - yet I haven’t uttered a spoken word to anyone. Just continual arguments in my head.

I am a bad person, I hate myself so much. Anything inside me feels wrong, contaminated. I have to be empty and clean. When I eat, I don’t want to live, when I live I don’t want to eat. Im too ashamed to live in my body and all its female curves. It repulses me. I‘m so disgusting, I am ashamed. I want to be small, as little as possible. There is purity in bones, clean, sharp bones. I want to disappear. into thin air.

It feels like im drowning. My head feels like a war zone. Day after day I seem to be losing control of everything and it terrifies me. I want to hurt myself. I need to see real pain, feel real pain make me feel like I am still alive. That I am still able to feel. Instead of this nothingness I feel everyday.. …empty, numb, alienated and broken.

Most of the time lately I feel to tired to fight, I want so much to give in. Let my spirit roam free and dance among the clouds. Here on earth I cant escape this thing……………

It doesn’t matter how fast you run, you'll never run fast enough....it has no features, no feelings, its flat and lifeless yet it hates you and seeks to destroy you. When you die it dies too.

Is death the only way out? will it be my only freedom.

I am running.....but am I trying to run from myself?